i m a g i n e

‘Shut your fucking mouth!’ He screamed back at me as he lifted his fist to hit me. I cowered on the bed afraid. ’Stop Fucking crying. You do what I fucking tell you to do.’ I screamed back. But before I could finish the sentence he grabbed me by the neck, lifted me off the bed by my throat and held me up against the wall. I couldn’t breathe and thought he was going to kill me. By this point I was in absolute shock and disbelief it was like I was watching it happen to someone else. When I realised I had no chance of fighting him off I burst into tears, but this did not stopped him in any way. During the assault I stopped fighting and just lay there sobbing waiting for it to be over. He raped me. I suffered the most. And the society blames it on me. Is it even justified? When I’m talking about rape I’m talking about my loss of confidence. It is the same confidence which we put in our girls to speak and our boys to listen. I’m talking about the confidence we put in our friends to stay friends. I’m talking about the confidence we put in our bodies to be bodies and not objects (objectification of women). I’m talking about the confidence which we put in our love to be returned as love not as pain. The after affects of this were a lifetime of dissociation and freezing mechanisms, sometimes at the wrong time, a lack of self love, a lack of a solid identity, anger issues, anxiety, bipolar, and bringing bad people into my life. My advice - *don’t freaking rape people!* It ruins them, and it is very hard to overcome the symptoms of this form of abuse. It felt like someone was tearing my insides. I remember all the pain to this day. I remember slowly my mind going from absolutely terror to this empty feeling. I remember thinking how I would rather lit myself in fire than endure this. In the end, I don’t remember much of after. I’m not sure if I fell unconscious or if it’s alcohol. You don’t want to struggle against it because it gives away to the rapist that you are weak and afraid and you don’t want to look afraid. You feel like a helpless animal being led to slaughter in a chain. And you make sure you walk along and not to let the chain tug. Because if you stop, if you fight against it, if you let it tug, you are both suddenly aware of the reality that you are chained up. The desperation to avoid at any cost to admit between two of you that you are afraid, is very strong. I passively begged to him instead. For 2 hours, I begged him to let me go. At one point I realised I had lost all control. And you just have two options. Either to lie helplessly and pathetically in front of them as they use you like an animal. Or to pretend you are ok with this, just so you can feel less out of control of the situation. Afterwards I just felt empty. In shock. Once he left me. I remember running down the road desperate to find a toilet to hide. Every man felt like a smiling monster. I couldn’t look up. I went to the toilet and just cried. For the longest time I couldn’t look at a male. It was so sudden. They all felt like smiling monsters. I felt angry at any girl standing beside them. I thought, "Don’t you realise they are evil, just pretending,". The way it flips your mind to completely unpredictable direction is very weird. I wanted to sleep with every guy, I wanted to rape guys and I wanted nothing to do with guys, even my guy friend. I could barely look at them or be near them for some periods of time. I wanted my sense of control back that I felt robbed of. Somehow my mind made me want to pin down a guy, chain him up and drug him and rape him and destroy their life to take back what I felt a man had taken from me. Obviously I didn’t do that. I understood it was a trauma response. No one deserves to be assaulted. Man or woman. "What do you feel now?", absolutely nothing. You literally try to shut your senses down, you try to turn off time, turn off memories and every part of you. Its like you play dead and wait for it to end. In my case, it was ultimately waiting to find out “are they going to kill me? “. This all while part drugged on whatever they used, in my case it's frequently by alcohol. Just imagine the absolute terror that takes over your entire body during the experience. The worst part is, your brain remembers it in ultra HD and can replay the whole thing touch by touch. Luckily, sometimes I can escape. One time I hit one of the rapist with a remote tv, I don't know where I get that kind of strength. But it surely made him in pain and I can finally get away. I survived. One time, I hit one of the rapist head with a vase. Until it bleeded out, but being so scared at that time, I just ran away. Fast, never looking back, while trying to control my breath 'cause I feel my leg is getting weaker for each steps that I took. My whole body was shaking. Try to call anyone but neither of them picked it up, they're all asleep. Then somebody picked my call up, but he got angry and doesn't want anything to do with me. So I hid in the toilet again. Waiting for the sun to rise but fell asleep inside the toilet, then asking help to any strangers that I got stumbled on. i remember finally waking up from my intoxicated state and running to the bathroom with an anxiety attack. i remember leaving his house feeling like i had been contaminated. i remember crying and relapsing whenever i looked in the mirror. i remember feeling dirty. I can’t write anymore details. I started to feel sick when typing all these memories.