Okay, so this time I will write this blog fully in English (only this time). Not because I don't respect my mother-tongue, which is Indonesia, but if I use English, it will be more globally. And it's important, because in this post, I will talk about something that might be taboo but empowering as well. How confusing is that? Hihi. Also if I use Indonesia, I am afraid if somebody (maybe one of my friend) will get triggered by this post. Although I am sorry if English speaker will triggered, I am suggesting you to click 'X' at the right of the tab and don't ever read this. But if you are ready... Get a snack, settle in. This post will be a long-ass post, so be prepared! And before I start, I am sorry if I have bad grammar. I am not a native, lol.
You know, yesterday (08/03/2018) was Women International Day. There were so many hashtags filling up my twitter, such as #MeToo and #NoMore. At first, I was so confused about where the hell is this thing going. Then I looked it up. So basically, it's about someone who confessed their past using those hashtag. Most of their past, were dark and dirty. But in the end, they make it through. Their past makes them to be a better person, it makes them feel more limitless and powerful. It's so amazing that we, as female-human being, which is full of weak stigma could give such a strength to the world. #MeToo and #NoMore is used as hashtag that can make others know that they're never going through all their problem alone. Just like in one of BTS lyrics,

You never walk alone.

And, yes. It is. It's true. Everyone is going through what you are/you have been going through. It might be offensive but I am trying to cheer you on.

If others can make it, so why I couldn't? She is human, he is human, I am a human, we are all human. We are all same. If he, she, they, can do it... THEN SO AM I.

Reading each post by those hashtag one by one, it's made my eyes got teary. They are such a strong people, and I am very glad that they still exist and breathing and smiling and fighting in this cruel world. I am so sorry for those of you who have been in so much pain and sadness, I hope you will always be happy from right now. But for those of you, who still couldn't find happiness.  I hope you all will be all right and surrounded by happiness right now, tomorrow and forever!
But, seriously. #MeToo... Even at this exact time, writing this, I still can't find my happiness. I don't know where should I find it because nobody ever show me the right path. I was borned as baby, clueless, but nobody was taught me anything about the world.

"Why is whenever you take a selfie, your smile seemed fake and forced?" "...Well, my smile all these time has never been real and genuine lately." "...." *silent for a really long time*

Yeah, I have parents. But still, their existence were just dissapear as we get busy by our own world.
Yeah, I have brother. But it's a little brother, and instead, I am the one who should teach him. Right?
So... I am alone, nobody taught me. And I feel so empty, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel angry. But nobody know, because there's no one that I could talk to. Everybody thinks I am a robot, lmao. Just because I don't show my angriness, they start to behave like sh*t towards me. Just because I give my forgiveness easily, they do something that they've been apoligized at me. Again and again.

How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking?
How long before I am lost for good?

My friends? Yeah, right. I have them. I laugh with them, I socialize with them, I go to the canteen with them, I go to the bathroom with them, but it doesn't mean we're close enough to talk about my deepest stuff in my life. Frustrating? Absolutely. Look, I just need one friend. Just one... But a really close one, so I can pours all my heart out. In this time, right now... I find that I am so desperate searching for someone to listen, oh my god. My life, is not as good as others expected.
They expecting I am living a happy life because they judged it based on my fake smile, when it's not.
They expecting I am living a happy lfe because they judged it based on all of my friends, when it's not.
They expecting I am living a happy life because they judged it based on I have family, when it's not.
I AM NOT HAPPY.
I CONSIDER SUICIDE MANY TIMES,
I ALREADY ATTEMPTS IT TWICE.
BUT THANKS TO ALLAH, IT FAILS.
So... Am I happy, you ask? Yeah, I am very happy. Besides, happy faking my smile, happy hiding my sadness, happy keeping everything to myself, happy hiding my tears, happy keeping my emotion which I really wanted to express. I want to be happy too, but... I just... Can't. I don't know where to find my happiness because I am a blind-new-born-baby who never get a taught from anyone how to find it. I hate myself and I want to die.
But, you know what's the best part? Others called me attention seeker, drama, and a pathetic b*tch. Well, I do get hurt by it. Everytime I want to close my eyes, those word keeps spinning around in my head. Prevents me to have enough sleep. It ruins my life. But what can I do? What can a weak people like me do something? They spilled out those word easily, like it's a joke. So, I take it as a joke. Everytime.
I decided to shrug it off, and let all those pain and filthy words, slowly eating my soul. Those pain and filthy words, puked out something into me. You know what it's called? It's called as depression. Yeah, I do have depression. More spesifically, high functioning depression. Are you happy destroying me without you even know, friends?
Everyday I life with those monster, so how can you expect me to live happily with that? How can you expect to with-stand all those monster that slowly eating me? It tries to murder me twice. How can you expect me to happy with my life?
Please, #NoMore taking depression as a joke. #NoMore mockering someone but thinking it as a joke. You never know how much it will affect to someone. And you will never know that your action, might leads other to suicide.
Okay, case one about suicide and depression is done. Now, for the case 2. I want to talk about something which is very taboo. I am really anxious while deciding this issue to be posted or not but... For the sake of everyone's spirit, I will.
I was a victim of sexual harassment (fortunately I did not get raped, so... Thanks ya Allah, alhamdullillah). Two times. First, it was because of stranger. And the second, it was because of someone who I will always meet whenever there's any family gathering.
For the first case, I already told my parents about it. And it's already solved, I won't ever get to see the stranger anymore (and I don't want to tell what happened because it's makes me remembered disgusting thing that stranger did).
But for the second case, I remain silent until today (this case is already happened ten years ago, so I've been keeping it for a long time). Why? If I told my parents, their relationship with 'him' will ruined. I don't want it to be happen. They're so close and admire each other. I can't do it. Anyway, whenever I met him, we just smiled to each other and talk with humor. Like there's nothing happened between us. For him, he might think that I already forgot about it. But, no. It's still haunting, becomes my nightmare in my sleep and even in the day. It still traumatize me. I still remember how he casually get closer to me when there's no one except us, I remember he whispered to my ears creepily "Hey, you know what? You are beautiful, Vid. Can I kiss your lips?". And I refuse. I thought, "I never kiss someone with lips, even with my parents. So why should I kiss his lips?". I shook my head and refuse. But he forced me and then he kissed me but luckily I covered my lips with blanket so it didn't touched. I remember I was so shocked. And after that day, I always get scared when it comes me and someone being just the two person in a room.
Because of it, everytime my friends, try to touch me or hug me, I get scared already. I tried to move away, but my friends say, "Hey, it's because you're so cute. I just want to hug you,". So now I can reduce my fears and embrace all the affection that my friends gave without getting chills.
But still, everytime me and him talk, just two of us in a room, I get scared that somethings might happened. I am so scared, but I can't tell anyone. How frustrating is that?
At least, he thinks I forget about it. So, I will forget about it. It's better this way. And no harm will done. I just want peace. So don't ever try convincing me to report, because it's already passed. And I am sure he already knew that he was wrong :) I am happy now, he is happy. I don't want to ruin it.
I am getting better now. So you have too. You have to get better, you deserve it. You don't have to live in constant fear. If you still scared and really needs to report something, just do it. Call 911 or if you are Indonesian, call 112. We all are matters. Your existence... is important. You're the best people who will be better and get stronger when you can get through the storm. I believe in you. Please do me a favor. Now, stand infront of your mirror, smile to yourself and say "I can do this. I can do it. I am strong! I will pass! I love you... my self".

Jika kalian membaca tulisan-tulisanku sebelumnya, kalian akan tahu betapa kesepiannya aku. Padahal aku punya keluarga, punya teman, punya apa yang aku inginkan, tapi aku masih merasa kesepian. Aku bingung harus mengisinya rasa kesepian yang kosong itu dengan apa. Sampai kutemukan seni hand-lettering.
Aku sudah melakukan hobi ini sejak kelas 10 SMA, itu artinya sudah satu tahun aku melakukannya. Sampai sekarang, jika ada waktu luangpun aku masih melakukannya. Aku sangat menyukai handlettering.
Jika kalian mengenalku, sejujurnya aku ini orang yang susah mengekspresikan perasaanku. Jika aku sedang kecewa, aku diam. Jika aku menyayangi seseorang, aku malah berusaha menjauh darinya. Jika aku sedang bahagia, aku hanya memberi senyuman kecil. Jika aku marah, aku pergi begitu saja (tidak menjelaskan bahwa aku marah). Mau lihat ekspresiku ketika bahagia? Nih:

ekspresi bahagia atau done with life; none in between.

Kepribadianku itu, aku bukan tipe orang yang akan pergi ke seseorang dan minta saran kepada orang lain tentang masalahku begitu mudahnya. Daripada yang menjadi pembicara, aku lebih di posisi sebagai pendengar. Jika aku punya masalah, aku lebih sering memikirkannya sendiri. Tapi ketika hal menjadi lebih rumit, aku hanya akan browsing di Google. Kadang jika masih saja tidak bisa terselesaikan, aku akan memendamnya.
Jika aku sedihpun, aku lebih memilih untuk memendam. Mungkin orang lain akan menganggapku robot, dingin, dan tak punya hati. Tapi sekedar informasi, aku manusia. Dan aku punya hati. Aku tidak dingin. Darah mengalir dalam tubuhku, aku bukan mayat dingin yang kaku. Aku masih hidup, aku manusia yang bernapas. Aku berdarah saat kulitku tersayat, aku manusia.
Aku sadar bahwa susah sekali menjadi diriku, sungguh rumit. Dan aku minta maaf pada orang yang ingin berteman denganku tapi kadang aku susah untuk didekati. Kadang akupun menjadi stres karena kepribadianku ini. Aku ingin jujur pada semua orang, aku ingin teriak sekencang-kencangnya bahwa aku sedih, bahagia, marah, benci, menyayangi —tapi aku tidak bisa. Karena inilah adanya aku, aku tidak bisa mengubahnya.

I am suck at expressing my self, and I am sorry for it.

Sebelum aku bertemu handlettering, aku stres dengan diriku sendiri. Tapi ketika aku mulai memahami seni ini, tulisan yang biasa saja bisa diubah menjadi sesuatu yang luar biasa indah. Aku jatuh cinta. Seni ini begitu simpel, namun masih tetap elegan. Aku menemukannya begitu misterius dan aku ingin tahu lebih dalam. Jadi aku mencobanya, dan sampai sekarang, handlettering telah menjadi salah satu hobiku.
Mau ku beri-tahu tentang sebuah rahasia? Ekspresi dari seni ini adalah garis si pembuat, kasar atau lembut. Jika garisnya dirasa kasar, ia sedang frustasi, marah, kecewa, dan emosi negatif lainnya. Jika garisnya lembut, ia sedang bahagia, tenang, penuh dengan kehati-hatian.
Jika warnanya hanya menggunakan pena hitam dan kertas putih, dia sederhana. Dia autentik. Dia ingin orang menilai hanya dari desain handletteringnya dan quote yang ia bubuhkan, hanya fokus pada yang penting saja. Mereka tipe orang yang to-the-point dan tidak suka membuang-buang waktu. Jika warnanya menggunakan warna-warni, dia suka keramaian. Dia melihat kehidupan dari segi positif dan selalu ingin membuat orang lain bahagia.
Jika garisnya melengkung dan tipis, ia rapuh. Jika garisnya kuat dan tegak lurus, dia punya emosi yang baik. Jika garisnya melengkung namun kuat/tegak lurus namun tipis, dia sedang berbohong dengan dirinya sendiri; sebenarnya dia lemah, tetapi dia mencoba berpura-pura kuat di hadapan orang lain.
Itu adalah rahasia dari para pelettering yang hanya akan diketahui jika kamu sudah lama berkecimpung di dunia ini. Kami memiliki rahasia masing-masing, dan tiap handlettering yang kami buat memiliki cerita di dalamnya. Mau tahu rahasia handlettering yang lain? Cobalah lakukan handlettering, aku jamin kamu akan menemukan jawabannya dan lebih mengetahui dirimu lebih dalam.
Handlettering sudah bagaikan yoga bagiku, meditasi paling ampuh jika aku merasa stres maupun tertekan. Proses ketika kamu memikirkan sebuah quote, tanpa tersadar kamu akan menggali pikiran terdalammu. Sekejap, kamu akan berubah menjadi mahasiswa filsafat yang dipenuhi pemikiran bijak. Kamu seolah menjadi psikolog pribadi bagi dirimu sendiri. Mencoba mencari jawaban atas masalah yang kamu tempuh dengan dirimu sendiri. Bukankah itu keren?
Kemudian saat menentukan desain tulisan yang ingin dipakai; Cursive, Cartoon, Comic, Type-writer, dll. Kamu akan mulai berbicara pada dirimu, menanyai dengan penuh perhatian, "Yang manakah yang aku suka?". Tanpa sadar, itu akan membuatmu lebih menghargai dirimu sendiri.
Lalu yang terakhir, yaitu proses pembuatan. Kamu akan sibuk difokuskan dengan cara membuat handletteringmu menjadi lebih indah, bak membiarkan dirimu menjadi egois. Kamu egois untuk membuat dirimu bahagia dengan memikirkan apa yang ingin kamu bubuhkan pada handlettering itu agar lebih cantik. Apalagi dalam proses fokus itu, kamu hanya fokus pada keindahan. Semua rasa frustasi hilang begitu saja. Kamu akan merasakan kedamaian. Kemudian saat handletteringmu jadi, bisakah kamu bayangkan akan betapa puas dan bangganya kamu pada dirimu sendiri? Itu yang kurasakan. Dan aku sangat suka perasaan itu.
Lewat handlettering, aku bisa mengekspresikan diriku dengan lebih baik. Tepat seperti apa yang ada di dalam hatiku. Tapi kebanyakan orang tidak tahu jika tidak memperhatikannya dengan detail. Dan itulah yang membuat handlettering menjadi lebih indah dan menarik untukku.

Keindahan yang bersembunyi dibalik rahasia; misteri. Ia selalu dipenuhi dengan percikan api penasaran, membuatnya menjadi susah terjamah, namun itulah yang menjadikan banyak orang tertarik.

"tiap goresan memiliki arti,"

"klaustro,"

"memento mori,"

"Hidupku seperti mawar musim panas, Yang terbuka menyambut langit pagi;Dan saat bayangan malam menjelang,Kelopaknya terserak ke tanahㅡdan mati."

Setelah handlettering, aku lumayan suka menggambar. Meski lebih rumit daripada handlettering, tapi menggambar membuatku bisa tenang saat stres melanda. Ketika aku tertekan, aku akan menggambar hal yang ingin aku ekspresikan. Temanku bilang gambarku saat stres bisa menjadi mengerikan. Tunggu, berarti ia bilang bahwa di dalam pikiranku ini (saat stres) sangatlah mengerikan? Ya, benar. Satu orang berhasil menangkap ekspresiku, yang tidak pernah kutunjukkan di wajahku. Dan aku sangat bahagia karena ada orang yang bisa mengerti apa yang ku rasa, walau hanya satu orang.

Yang temanku tangkap; "Emosi: kemarahan, kesedihan, tertekan, merasa terkurung(?), stres, benci". Benar, itu benar. Itulah yang kurasa saat menggambar ini.

Sekarang biarkan aku bertanya padamu, "Kenapa di antara sekian hewan, harus rusa yang ku gambar? Kenapa di dalam badan rusanya daun yang kering-kerontang? Kenapa tidak kupilih daun yang lebih bisa meng-'isi' kekeringan rusa itu? Kenapa aku menggambarnya dengan pensil biasa daripada pensil warna? Kenapa hanya hitam-putih?"

Karena aku hanya melihat hidup ini dengan hitam-putih, padahal hidup ini berwarna.

Di sini tidak ada hal yang membuat kalian penasaran, 'kan? Tentu saja, karena aku menggambarnya dengan perasaan kosong.

Rasa tertolong dengan menemukan kebahagiaan.