You know, yesterday (08/03/2018) was Women International Day. There were so many hashtags filling up my twitter, such as #MeToo and #NoMore. At first, I was so confused about where the hell is this thing going. Then I looked it up. So basically, it's about someone who confessed their past using those hashtag. Most of their past, were dark and dirty. But in the end, they make it through. Their past makes them to be a better person, it makes them feel more limitless and powerful. It's so amazing that we, as female-human being, which is full of weak stigma could give such a strength to the world. #MeToo and #NoMore is used as hashtag that can make others know that they're never going through all their problem alone. Just like in one of BTS lyrics,
You never walk alone.And, yes. It is. It's true. Everyone is going through what you are/you have been going through. It might be offensive but I am trying to cheer you on.
If others can make it, so why I couldn't? She is human, he is human, I am a human, we are all human. We are all same. If he, she, they, can do it... THEN SO AM I.Reading each post by those hashtag one by one, it's made my eyes got teary. They are such a strong people, and I am very glad that they still exist and breathing and smiling and fighting in this cruel world. I am so sorry for those of you who have been in so much pain and sadness, I hope you will always be happy from right now. But for those of you, who still couldn't find happiness. I hope you all will be all right and surrounded by happiness right now, tomorrow and forever!
But, seriously. #MeToo... Even at this exact time, writing this, I still can't find my happiness. I don't know where should I find it because nobody ever show me the right path. I was borned as baby, clueless, but nobody was taught me anything about the world.
 |
| "Why is whenever you take a selfie, your smile seemed fake and forced?" "...Well, my smile all these time has never been real and genuine lately." "...." *silent for a really long time* |
Yeah, I have parents. But still, their existence were just dissapear as we get busy by our own world.
Yeah, I have brother. But it's a little brother, and instead, I am the one who should teach him. Right?
So... I am alone, nobody taught me. And I feel so empty, I feel lonely, I feel sad, I feel angry. But nobody know, because there's no one that I could talk to. Everybody thinks I am a robot, lmao. Just because I don't show my angriness, they start to behave like sh*t towards me. Just because I give my forgiveness easily, they do something that they've been apoligized at me. Again and again.
How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking?My friends? Yeah, right. I have them. I laugh with them, I socialize with them, I go to the canteen with them, I go to the bathroom with them, but it doesn't mean we're close enough to talk about my deepest stuff in my life. Frustrating? Absolutely. Look, I just need one friend. Just one... But a really close one, so I can pours all my heart out. In this time, right now... I find that I am so desperate searching for someone to listen, oh my god. My life, is not as good as others expected.
How long before I am lost for good?
They expecting I am living a happy life because they judged it based on my fake smile, when it's not.
They expecting I am living a happy lfe because they judged it based on all of my friends, when it's not.
They expecting I am living a happy life because they judged it based on I have family, when it's not.
I AM NOT HAPPY.
I CONSIDER SUICIDE MANY TIMES,
I ALREADY ATTEMPTS IT TWICE.
BUT THANKS TO ALLAH, IT FAILS.
Wow, I definitely look so happy :)
One of my friends noticed my self-harm scars and she gave me 'disgusted' looks.
She immediately gave negative response.
I wish I could told her, that it was my only way,
to relieved my stress.
I wish I could told her, that it was my only way,
to numb the pain in my heart by hurting my physics.
I wish I could told her, that my heart's pain is unbearable,
so I just have to numb the pain by hurting my physics.
I wish I could told her, that it's not because of 'boys',
it's way more than what she can imagine.
I am not that weak girl who'll do things like this just for boys,
I found it disgusting as well.
But my friend never wanted to understand my reasons,
and already labelling me as 'attention seeker'.
Wait, but if I am doing it for attention,
then why do I try really hard to hide it?
It doesn't make sense.
And she's already disgusted by me anyway,
so what's the point of explaining my reasons?
For her, it's my fault. So it has to be my fault.
Also, I posted this because I just want to tell other people,
that they're not alone which feeling this way.
#MeToo
You're not alone, but I hope you will be strong.
And keep fighting, and stop hurting yourself.
Because I've been quit cutting for a while now,
nothing triggers me, so I am safe.
If I get triggered, I'll just do whatever I like
and try to forget it.
I am learning to love myself,
and so are you.
"You have to love yourself first,
until you can find happiness," said someone.
So, please do it!
You deserves everything in this world!
So... Am I happy, you ask? Yeah, I am very happy. Besides, happy faking my smile, happy hiding my sadness, happy keeping everything to myself, happy hiding my tears, happy keeping my emotion which I really wanted to express. I want to be happy too, but... I just... Can't. I don't know where to find my happiness because I am a blind-new-born-baby who never get a taught from anyone how to find it. I hate myself and I want to die.But, you know what's the best part? Others called me attention seeker, drama, and a pathetic b*tch. Well, I do get hurt by it. Everytime I want to close my eyes, those word keeps spinning around in my head. Prevents me to have enough sleep. It ruins my life. But what can I do? What can a weak people like me do something? They spilled out those word easily, like it's a joke. So, I take it as a joke. Everytime.
I decided to shrug it off, and let all those pain and filthy words, slowly eating my soul. Those pain and filthy words, puked out something into me. You know what it's called? It's called as depression. Yeah, I do have depression. More spesifically, high functioning depression. Are you happy destroying me without you even know, friends?
Everyday I life with those monster, so how can you expect me to live happily with that? How can you expect to with-stand all those monster that slowly eating me? It tries to murder me twice. How can you expect me to happy with my life?
Please, #NoMore taking depression as a joke. #NoMore mockering someone but thinking it as a joke. You never know how much it will affect to someone. And you will never know that your action, might leads other to suicide.
Okay, case one about suicide and depression is done. Now, for the case 2. I want to talk about something which is very taboo. I am really anxious while deciding this issue to be posted or not but... For the sake of everyone's spirit, I will.
I was a victim of sexual harassment (fortunately I did not get raped, so... Thanks ya Allah, alhamdullillah). Two times. First, it was because of stranger. And the second, it was because of someone who I will always meet whenever there's any family gathering.
For the first case, I already told my parents about it. And it's already solved, I won't ever get to see the stranger anymore (and I don't want to tell what happened because it's makes me remembered disgusting thing that stranger did).
But for the second case, I remain silent until today (this case is already happened ten years ago, so I've been keeping it for a long time). Why? If I told my parents, their relationship with 'him' will ruined. I don't want it to be happen. They're so close and admire each other. I can't do it. Anyway, whenever I met him, we just smiled to each other and talk with humor. Like there's nothing happened between us. For him, he might think that I already forgot about it. But, no. It's still haunting, becomes my nightmare in my sleep and even in the day. It still traumatize me. I still remember how he casually get closer to me when there's no one except us, I remember he whispered to my ears creepily "Hey, you know what? You are beautiful, Vid. Can I kiss your lips?". And I refuse. I thought, "I never kiss someone with lips, even with my parents. So why should I kiss his lips?". I shook my head and refuse. But he forced me and then he kissed me but luckily I covered my lips with blanket so it didn't touched. I remember I was so shocked. And after that day, I always get scared when it comes me and someone being just the two person in a room.
Because of it, everytime my friends, try to touch me or hug me, I get scared already. I tried to move away, but my friends say, "Hey, it's because you're so cute. I just want to hug you,". So now I can reduce my fears and embrace all the affection that my friends gave without getting chills.
But still, everytime me and him talk, just two of us in a room, I get scared that somethings might happened. I am so scared, but I can't tell anyone. How frustrating is that?
At least, he thinks I forget about it. So, I will forget about it. It's better this way. And no harm will done. I just want peace. So don't ever try convincing me to report, because it's already passed. And I am sure he already knew that he was wrong :) I am happy now, he is happy. I don't want to ruin it.
I am getting better now. So you have too. You have to get better, you deserve it. You don't have to live in constant fear. If you still scared and really needs to report something, just do it. Call 911 or if you are Indonesian, call 112. We all are matters. Your existence... is important. You're the best people who will be better and get stronger when you can get through the storm. I believe in you. Please do me a favor. Now, stand infront of your mirror, smile to yourself and say "I can do this. I can do it. I am strong! I will pass! I love you... my self".
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